I just moved one of the kids on my caseload to a new foster home yesterday. I hate moving kids for lots of reasons (won't even go into that now). However, in this situation I didn't have a choice. The foster parent packed up his stuff, sent him and all his things off to a visit with his father. She called and said she couldn't do it anymore. She was very sorry but I needed to find another placement for the child. I'd spoken to this foster parent the day before and at that point she'd asked me to find him a new home. I let her know I agreed that it probably wasn't the best fit. However, this child (whom I'll call Timmy) had been with her for about five months already and I didn't have a foster home quite yet lined up for him. I wanted to make sure that the next place I moved him would really work. The following day she called my supervisor and told her that he needed to go. Normally we ask foster parents to at least give us a week or so to find an appropriate placement. It's often traumatic for kids to move to new homes and I didn't want to put him in a temporary placement just to have to move him again. Luckily one of the foster care certifer's just certified a new home. A 39yr old single woman. The certifyer was reluctant to have me move my child to this new foster parents home. "I don't want to give her a kid with too many behaviors or problems for a first kid." but in reality we often don't know what kind of behaviors the kids really do or don't have. A lot of behaviors are symptoms of their environment. I've often had kids who've been described as oppositionally defiant and extremely aggresive and then when they're placed with just the right person, those behaviors magically disapear. My theory is that a lot of our kids are misdiagnosed for these reasons. I believe that Timmy is one of those children. "He is constantly hiding, he runs off, I can't be liable for him. He often shuts down and won't talk at all." is what his previous foster parent reported to me. I take it very seriously but I also feel like these are pretty normal behaviors for a child who's very young, has been in foster care multiple times in his life and been very neglected by his parents. One afternoon I walked up to the lobby to meet with the foster parent. I saw Timmy crawling on the floor behind her chair. I snuck up behind him and tickled his sides, making him laugh and jump up. I smiled at her and she immediately got a frown on her face and said "This is what he's been doing all morning! He just keeps hiding and now he won't talk. He got up all night and hid. I can't take this." I sat and listened but I didn't have many solutions to her problem. I let her know I'd touch base with his counselor and see if we could come up with any ideas. I tried to empathize with her and recognized that it probably scares her when she can't find him. I brought up a different issue that I think has something to do with Timmy's behaviors. "So I just thought I'd bring this up. I was speaking to Timmy's Mother and she says that you call him Tommy. I'm sure it's just a mistake but I know that it really upsets her that you aren't calling him the right name." She shook her head and looked frustrated. "See! This is why I don't like dealing with parents". I didn't know how to respond after that. It seems to me that calling a child by the wrong name is a pretty big.
I went to the new foster parents home today. She lives in a cute little house, nicely decorated and spacious. I found her and Timmy in the backyard together. He smiled when he saw me and laughed. Her dog jumped up on me and she shooed him away. Timmy laughed saying "He did that to me too when I first met him!" We went into the house and Timmy grabbed my hand and dragged me back to his new room. He jumped around and showed me all his new stuff. "She got me a big bouncy ball (pilates ball) and these action toys and we got new school supplies and look I have my own desk" Next to his bed were also pictures of him and his Mother taped to the wall. The foster parent remarked that they were still working on getting the room set up. We sat down and I went over all his school, doctors and other contacts. Timmy came in every few minutes and told me about some new thing he'd done with the foster Mother. "We went to the coast yesterday and I've got a shell for you!" he pulled out a little shell and placed it in my hand. I'd never seen him so comfortable, aside from being with his Mother.
I asked the new foster Mother how she felt about meeting his Mother. She didn't hesitate for a moment. "Oh I have no problem with that at all." I asked if she'd drive him to visits with his Mother. No problem. She said she was surprised that everyone described him as having so many behaviors because she saw him as being a very sweet kid. Everyone told her that he'd be hard to understand (he has speech problems) but she could understand him pretty well. As I left, she was on the way out the door to take him to a visit with his Mother.
I just want to put out there to any similar foster parents how much we LOVE having foster parents like you. I want to keep this foster mother a secret and use her for a placement again. I do realize that many people aren't willing to do as much, only after being burned. Burned by bio parents, burned by the child welfare system and whomever else they have to deal with. It's a real hard job. The hardest by far. It's just really encouraging to meet another really great new foster parent. It just blows my mind the kinds of strides kids can make when they feel like everyone is in it together for their benefit. If bio parents and foster parents can work together and try not to judge one another, it can produce such wonderful things! So leaving work on a friday in a very positive note.
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23 comments:
I totally agree.It is great when you can find foster parents that care and take time with children.I'm was a foster child myself, I'm 19 now, I'm still in ILP though. I have seen so many children come in and out of my home. Some of them have issues, but you just have to know how to deal with them.
Oh, it is SO true. I have one foster parent that worked "miracles" with every child in her home...
I secretly started planning for a new child to be placed with her the minute I knew one was leaving her home... she only ever knew me as a caseworker! And all of my children did fabulously. :)
Speaking as a foster parent, it is not our job that is hard, it is yours!! The case I am dealing with now...the birth parents are really difficult to put it mildly and there is no way I could have the patience to deal with them day in and day out. Thanks for all that you do. It sounds like you really are thinking of the kids!!!
Thank you guys. I've been having a pretty horrific day, it's good to hear some kind words.
Timmy, his foster mom and his mom and the other kids you are advocating for are very,very blessed. Thanks for being a social worker who puts the children first.
Our son goes into residential tomorrow (age 12, adopted from Ukraine, abusive orphanage) and so far, we've been very fortunate to have social workers at CPS that understand we have gone the extra mile and then some. (We had to go via CPS in order to get funding for residential, which just tanks but it is what it is).
Jeri- Thanks for your comment. I read a little of your blog. Sounds like you're having a really rough time with your boy- to say the least. I've worked with families that were in a similar situation as you. It's so hard when you take on a child and because of past trauma they develop much bigger problems. I can't even imagine how stressful that is. Glad you're out there doing it though!
I am a foster mom, and have been one for 2 years now. We have a very tough case of 2 kids. We have had some HUGE misunderstandings with our caseworker for these kids and were having behavioral concerns with one of the kids. We asked for one of them to be moved 3 different times and now, that all the miscommunication is cleared up, we dont want her to be moved. Why is it that miscommunication can be the biggest obstacle at times?? Either way, the caseworker still wants to move the siblings. What can we do to save this placement? We are a really great home and the one whom we asked to have moved, doesnt want to leave and loves being with us. Sometimes, the job of the foster parent can just get so overwhelming when their is a new caseworker in charge. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
My suggestion is to talk to your case workers supervisor. If you've had problems communicating with the case worker, it may be time to step it up and talk to someone else. It's easy to get involved in power struggles in those kind of situations and sometimes having an outside party involved really helps! Or maybe you can have a meeting that is mediated by an outside agency. I often have Family decision meetings that are facilitated and gives everyone a chance to talk without being argued with etc. Good luck, that sounds really frustrating and hard!
I did talk to her supervisor and they are all in cahoots.:) Basically, it comes down to that I have asked for her to be moved several times now and they think I will again. Which obviously, I wont. It is confusing how birth parents get a million chances and foster parent get a limited amount. Sad to me. The Casa is so upset and doesnt want her moved, the other siblings foster parents dont want them moved and I thought that all should be done in order to save a placement? I think I have become that crazy difficult foster parent that is easier to get rid of than work with. I talked to her today and asked if there was anything that I can do and she said no. I am sad but think this may be futile. You seem like such a wonderful caring caseworker. We have been fortunate to have many like you. Thank you for this blog and offering advise.
Unfortunately, in the vast majority of cases, bio parents or birth parents are not given many chances. The system is badly flawed. CPS looks out for CPS's best interest and they leave birth and foster parents out there alone without any support whatsoever. As a birth mother who was badly screwed over by the Department of Social Services in North Carolina I do resent it when people say us bios get all the breaks. We don't. I assure you of that. In our case, the foster care providers walked on water and everything my husband and I did went to sh**. They terminated our rights although it was overturned on appeal in just 7 months so please at least have some respect for us bios who were NOT given the chance at all to regain custody although we did everything required of us and more to get our children back. CPS is corrupt and it's taking the foster care system with it. I urge those good foster care providers to fight back. Don't let them drag you down with them.
I do believe though that this social worker is one of the good ones. She has gone out of her way to be nice to me and answer my questions. I have no beef with her whatsoever nor anyone who makes posts so please don't misconstrue my criticism of the system to be directed at you guys. I'm talking about the corrupt, out of control social workers and the fosters who do it for the monthly paycheck.
Divotdog- I think you bring up some very valid points. I've worked with plenty of not-so-great foster parents and case workers, in addition to having my frustrations working with-in the constraints of a very flawed system. I think it's also important to realize that a lot of that beaurocratic crap comes from above the case workers and is often out of their control. A lot of times the needs of kids get put second to the agency trying to follow specific procedures or save their own butt (like you said) and it's frustrating for EVERYONE. However those policy makers and administrators don't seem to mind sending case workers into court to be the messenger and get eaten alive by everyone.
I guess the message is that it's hard for everyone. I'm really glad that I could facilitate having bio parents, foster parents and case workers all talk in the same thread about this. I really appreciate the dialogue.
While I don't hate all social workers and foster care providers, I do hate what they've come to stand for and that's the adoption bonus money. Absolute power corrupts absolutely and when CPS is given a bunch of money to adopt children out, that gives them power. I also honestly believe that a lot of social workers are true sociopaths that get personal enjoyment out of tearing families apart. During one of my court hearings, I actually heard 2 social workers bragging about the amount of money they had brought in by terminating parental rights and having the children adopted out. Bio parents cannot compete with this. We don't have the money to give to CPS to buy our children back. Until the financial incentives are removed, it's going to get worse. Help bio parents too. That's all I ask!
Yeah I don't get that. I've heard people mention this "money incentive" as a reason for case workers to work towards an adoption plan but never experienced that personally, nor do I know anything about it. I don't know any case workers who would try to adopt kids out to get money for the agency. I've heard that people think we also get bonus's for removing children. I'll tell you that is not true for sure! but anyway, I agree bio parents need good case workers and attorney's to fight and advocate for them. I also think bio parents often get a bum deal with court appointed attorney's, who are not always the best. I can't even believe some of those attorney's have law degree's sometimes!
So what do you think are some ways that could make the system better? What kind of programs or things would need to change in your opinion?
For one thing, money should be spent to help biological parents get the help they need in order to regain custody of their children BEFORE it is given to the foster care providers. If they cannot independently afford the children, then they don't need to be foster care providers.
Foster care needs to be recognized as interim care only. I do not think it is fair to the BPs to immediately put their children in foster/adopt homes. It gives the fosters an unfair advantage since ASFA only gives money to those children adopted out of the foster care system and does not pay a dime for reunification or kinship care.
The time limit set in ASFA needs to start on the day that the services are provided and not until that day. This would keep CPS from delaying services just so they could TPR BPs citing they don't have enough time (again, ASFA) in which to complete their service plans.
Biological parents should be able to choose an attorney own their own and the state pay for them. This would keep us safe from getting assigned attorneys who are going to rubber stamp everything CPS wants just so they'll keep getting assigned cases. When the states are paying these attorneys, who do you think they really work for? This way parents can choose attorneys that are going to fight and advocate for them and NOT for CPS.
Parents should also be assigned a special advocate to make sure that constitutional rights are being respected; attorneys are doing their jobs by presenting exculpatory evidence; make sure that social workers are held accountable for lies, exaggerations and fabrications of the truth.
Kinship care MUST be used when there is a willing family member or friend to take the kids without any hassle from CPS.
Social workers MUST be held accountable for the actions and if they purjure themselves in court, then they're prosecuted for it. No one should be immune from lying.
Trial judges should not hear the TPR cases. A special judge trained in such matters needs to handle these. This keeps BPs safe from judges who just don't like them for whatever reason. This does happen in more cases than you would think.
Foster care providers should have no business being a party to the case and it should never even be considered by the judge. Foster/adopt homes are only used AFTER the TPR is granted and after all appeals are exhausted.
If a TPR is granted and a BP files an appeal, visitation and services must continue. Parents cannot be removed from their child's life because that causes an unfair advantage if the appeal is won. CPS will use that too much time has passed since the children saw their real parents.
TPRs must use juries rather than judges in all instances. There should never even be a choice in the matter. It is automatic.
Let me think on this some more and I will add to it tomorrow but this is a good start.
Divotdawg:
Having judges that just do juvenile cases, as they do in CA, doesn't help much. What the parents need is for the hearsay to be eliminated and be given the same rights as a criminal trial: no closed court rooms, no judges hiding their unreasonable decisions, real attorneys. Conceal the kids IDs by using initials. And if the parents win, they should be compensated by the agency on counter claims. There's convincing evidence (an MIT study) out there that thee borderline case many agencies take kids on hurt the kids worse than if they'd left them.
I am just now getting caught up since my trip to Nebraska. I'd love to get some more answers to my questions now that I'm in a position to read them and respond back. I like what you had to say. Now I can finally say that I have at least met one social worker that I like and thinks actually does their job like they were supposed to. Just don't become jaded and fall into the traps that some of the other social workers set out. Keep your morals and ethics because bio parents need someone who is on their side. Even if there's problems in the home, most of them can be taken care of in a relatively short period of time. So thank you for doing that. It really is appreciated. So if you want to answer a few more of my questions, I'd really appreciate it.
I need some help but I'm not sure if you guys will think I'm being ugly to you cos I'm not, I promise. I'm just troubled and since I do respect you guys, I thought maybe you'd give me some direction. It might take me two posts though so please be patient.
There's this campaign going on called Every Child Matters and it's to combat child abuse. Now, even though I'm an avid parental rights advocate, I do not advocate abuse no matter where it is. However, they're only going after biological homes. Let's face it guys, you all are nice but not every foster care provider loves and wants the children. A lot of them do it for the money. Not all, but a lot. We all know that. However, it is very worrisome to me that they're not targeting the abuse in foster or foster/adopt homes. Statistics prove that children are 11 times more likely to be abused, 7 times more likely to be killed and 28 times more likely to be sexually abused in foster/adopt homes than in their real homes.
So my question is, how do I get the newspapers and radio/television stations to take notice and force CPS into investigating ALL cases of abuse and not just in bio homes? I do not believe one of you abuses any child so I am NOT accusing you. I just want EVERY child to actually matter.
So any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I've let over a dozen comments on newspaper websites asking them to please include foster children in this campaign but not one of them has written me back. Help me please??? I've not asked too much of you guys but this is a real problem for me. Thank you so much.
I know you're tired of me by now but I forgot to respond to anonymous's post. I like the way you think. The secret courts, the sham trials and kangaroo courts need to go away. Parents need a fair and impartial judge. I also think they should be allowed a jury of their peers. No more closed courtrooms. My husband even suggested that parents be allowed to choose their own attorney and that they state pays them (if they're eligible for a court-appointed attorney). This way the parents can actually hire attorneys that will do their jobs and fight for them.
I also think that for the first year, children should NOT be placed in foster/adopt homes. This would keep the fosters from influencing the social workers into terminating the parents rights just so they can adopt the children. This happens all the time. In fact, in a large majority of the cases social workers tell the foster parents that the rights WILL be terminated and the children eligible for adoption right from the very beginning. This is a real problem here. It puts the bio parents at yet another disadvantage.
Thank you guys for your patience. I'm just making up for lost time here, lol. I also don't mind constructive criticism either. I do respect your opinions. I might not change mine but I will respect yours. All I ask is to be treated with respect too and you guys do. Actually, I'm quite amazed at that but it is noticed and appreciated.
This started out being a nice gesture to foster parents then it turned out to be bashing foster parents. Just because one does wrong doesnt mean you should suspect everyone else of the same.
I guess the real message that I want to get across is to respect everyone...bio parents and foster parents alike. When people work together for the benefit of the child, things always turn out better. I've got cases currently where the bio family and the foster family talk on a regular basis and work wonderfully together.
Are their bio parents who do horrible things to their kids? Of course. Are their foster parents who abuse their foster kids? Of course. I think they're both problems but what I do think it's important to keep in mind is that most foster parents get into it because they care and want to help out other children. The amount of compensation you get for caring for a child in foster care is tiny in comparison to the amount of work that it takes to do the job. I'd hardly say it's a "get rich fast" scheme.
...and divotdawg, I totally empathize with the problems you've had and agree the system is very flawed, but I don't want to get too involved in talking about it in this particular blog since it is suppose to be a supportive story about a really great foster parent who I love. One whom DOES work well with the bio parents and does a ton of work with this very hard child. I think the real goal should be, how to get more foster parents like this. Ones that will work cooperatively with bio parents when appropriate. And I feel that it must be stated that sometimes it's not appropriate or maybe even dangerous.
Like I said before, lots of very important things pointed out and it's good to hear some other ideas. That's why I do the blog in the first place! Thanks ya'll!!
I understand and this is your blog so I will respect that. Are you still willing to talk with me in regards to my questions off the blog though? I support foster parents who do encourage bonding between bio parents and children. I have nothing but the utmost respect for them. I just need help with other issues and you've been so kind to me in answering my questions and talking. I'm hoping you still will. You can delete this comment as it's to you personally, if you wish. I will not be offended at all.
I was not bashing anyone on here and in fact, I stated quite honestly that I had nothing but the utmost respect for the foster parents on here. I'm just trying to help parents deal with foster care providers who are not willing to work with them and, in fact, do whatever they can to discourage the bond between the children and their parents. This is a real problem for a lot of people. People were willing to help me before and that is why I asked again. I won't be making any further comments on this blog. I meant no offense whatsoever, just trying to find a way where bio parents and fosters could work together. I guess that's just not going to happen on here. That's too bad because I thought you wanted to help.
Sorry, I've been very busy. I'm willing to speak to you outside of this blog for sure. I'll have to get back to you on how to do that....
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