Cutters

Yesterday was fairly traumatic. I went to a treatment meeting for one of my teens. She's in a locked facility, one of may that she's been in, this one being the most secure. She's not doing well. She's probably the worst she's been in the last couple of years. She's cutting a lot more than she use to and severely depressed. Her arm look like it went through a lawn mower, cuts all the way up to her armpit. Her hygiene is the worst I've seen it- she doesn't do her makeup anymore, she doesn't care what clothes she wears and she's gained about 20lbs. Everyone is so worried about her and everyone has their own opinion on how she's doing. The treatment facility seems to think she's doing okay and I'm not sure if it's just because they don't have a frame of reference but she's clearly not doing good at all. Two months ago when we (her outside therapist and myself) requested that she be checked on a regular basis for cutting, it was never done. The answer we were given was "it's not possible." which is completely unacceptable. It would seem in a residential center for mental health, that is the LEAST they could do.

Yesterday we discussed all of these issues in our meeting. I brought my supervisor and a few other supervisors were also there to weigh in. We brought her in for the last part of it to talk to her about what we'd been talking about and how concerned we were for her and her safety. As to be expected, this was a tough conversation for her. She really wanted to be able to go off campus with a family friend and due to the worries of self harm, I couldn't approve this. While talking in the meeting, she doodled on a piece of paper, tearing the erasor off the end and pocketing the metal part that divides the erasure and the pencil.

After hearing about her inability to go off campus for a few hours, she ran out of the meeting stating she was leaving back to the her unit. She walked outside and I looked over just as I saw her residential counselor yelling and attempting to grab something from her. She began to cut herself multiple times with the metal part of the pencil, making herself bleed. At this point she wasn't listening to anyone, yelling, attempting to punch out a window of the building. Multiple staff were called and attempted to deescalate her. Unfortunately, the staff there don't have as many skills as would be desired and typically put kids in holds to keep them safe. Most of the calming happened with her long-time therapist, myself and another person who didn't actually work at the center. (basically no one who actually worked there was any help) I don't actually think it's any fault of the workers there but they clearly need more training on talking to teens. It took about two hours of listening to her scream, cut herself and just sob but she eventually gave up her "sharp" and was able to make it back to her unit. By this time however, she'd managed to reopen a lot of her cuts, along with making several new ones. Her arm was all kinds of bloody.

I made a promise to her that if she can be safe for a bit over a week, she can have a visit with her family friend. She just broke my heart, as the kids often do. I've never actually had to witness a kid cut themselves to shit, in person. She just looked so helpless and hopeless. It was certainly a time when i wanted to scoop her up in my arms and take her home with me. The last couple of days I've been feeling pretty low and having a hard time not thinking a lot of her before bed at night. I'm doing everything in my power right now to make sure there is some change at her facility or I'm going to have to move her, because i will not tolerate no action to something as serious as this. It's just horrible and so incredibly sad.

Life of Balance

Okay I'm back and improved. I realized the other day that it's been almost exactly a year since I started this new position working with commercially, sexually, exploited children. Wow has this been a year of challenges. My last post I was in a period of some serious stress and feeling generally pretty horrible. I'm happy to say that I'm doing much better.

I've always realized this job would have it's ups and downs but man has it proven itself ten times over. I'm almost glad that I didn't realize how challenging it would be because I'm not sure I would of taken the job had I known. I'm very glad I did though and my heart feels full because of it. I have had such conflict about this position but in the end, the kids still really make it worth it to me. It's those relationships, even when I know I'm not serving them in the way that I wish I could, it means everything to me to have the relationship.

The biggest change that has happened over the last few months is that I've finally had time to develop really good relationships with a good majority of the kids on my caseload. It takes so much time when you don't see them that often and they're constantly on the run. It's hard to build a trusting relationship with someone you don't know. I'm happy to say I'm really getting there with a lot of my girls. Today I took a kid to an appointment and we had a great time chatting and shooting the shit. About six months ago, that never would of happened. She was so closed off to me, didn't trust anyone and was just a sad and lonely kid. I tried very hard to connect with her but it just took time. It's so rewarding to now be able to have relaxed conversations with her and see how proud of herself she is now that she's doing so well. This has happened really over the board with most my girls ad it is the most rewarding thing in the world. To be able to pull up at a treatment center/foster home/apartment and have a struggling teen girl give me a big hug and smile...it just brings me more joy than you can imagine.

Just yesterday I closed a case with a girl I've had for about a year. She's doing well, got her own apartment and is going to school. I'm going to continue to work with her for a few more weeks to get a couple things wrapped up but then she'll be on her own. I have to say I'm most happy because I won't have to deal with her mothers therapist anymore. Okay, bitch session for a moment. This woman actually said to me "I really think ==== (my youth) should come to see me because unlike most therapists I don't just put band-aids over problems, I have the tools to heal her." Well she is certainly confident. I'm sorry but would you want to go to your mothers therapist to receive counseling? Hell no, that should seem pretty obvious to me. Nothing really gets me more than ego maniacs, especially as it relates to human services. EW.

I went to visit a girl i a treatment center the other day. She's only been there a couple weeks but prior to that I'd only seen her at the ER when she'd be picked up by the police or was there for some emergency. She hated me for a good long while and during our last encounter at the ER she said "you don't care about me. You're the first one here at the hospital everytime i show up." and i had to remind her that was because i care. Now a few weeks later, I show up and she asks for a hug and says to me "can we please just go out and get coffee sometime? I hate that everytime i see you it's because something really bad is happening." My heart practically exploded! So sweet.

So yeah, life is good. I still have rough days, i've still had some very challenging court hearings but overall I've finally got a grasp on it and I think my motto for the summer is going to be "balance" and just keep trying to strike one. Onward.

The Calm After The Storm

I figured this is a good time for an update. Things are eerily quiet right now at work. I have this bad habit of slacking off when I get out of crisis mode. It's hard to adjust back into just doing normal case work. There are things I could be doing right now, referral letters I could be writing or case files I could be researching. I'm trying to tell myself that if I get caught up on those things right now then I won't be so stressed out when crisis does happen. It reminds me of the way in which I spend my money. At the beginning of the month, I'm buying big dinners and drink more wine but by the end I'm scrapping by and barely able to afford anything. I think my new goal is to learn how to stretch these things out so I'm not either bored or totally stressed. Balance!

Right now however, I just have to bask in the loveliness that is a clean desk, files that are organized and an empty voicemail box. Now that is a HUGE relief.

In other news, I have been seriously considering the idea of going back to school for my masters in social work. This is both exciting and terrifying to me. I'm not entirely sure how I am going to be able to do all of this but I think it's about time I try. What I've finally decided is that I'm not playing to my strengths in doing this job. My biggest strength is my relationship building with teenagers. I love it. Nothing makes me more happy than spending time with them and hearing about their lives. I'd love it if I could leave all the bureaucracy (or at least some of it) behind and JUST be able to focus on helping children, not just pushing paperwork around and presenting at court and filling out referrals. It kills me. I'm also tired of getting constantly screamed at by clients, attorney's and judges. I'm SO SO SO over it. I've been emotionally beat down enough and I need to take some sort of step to get out of it. I think at this point, school is really the only option. Gulp, here I go, I guess?

Perspectives

I just wrote a very long, sad, complaining entry and decided to hold off on it. Please excuse my absence from writing for a while. I've really got to regain some of the passion for the kids and shut out the bureaucracy that is my job. Just know that I'm hurting quite a bit right now and I truly hope to make some positive changes. I'm hoping that I get supported by my supervisor in that although have some doubts that she's really got my back at this point. I know I'm being all vague I guess I just don't want to get trapped in that complaining circle and really what I need are solutions right now.

I'm trying my hardest not to lay down and play dead because I'm sorta feeling defeated. I'll write more when I've got a better attitude. In the meant-time I'm going to watch Downton Abbey!!

Actual Good Times

I'm commited to making an effort to write in this blog even when things are going well. Especially when things are going well. Work has been pretty great the last two weeks (knock on wood). It's never easy but I've been able to see some of the results of a lot of my very difficult work. I've got multiple kids in safe placements and they're actually happy to be there! YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAYYYY. Seriously, that never happens.

I've had some EXTREMELY tough situations in the last couple of months. I mean, just gut wrenching kind of stuff. I had a kid go to the psych ward and find out about a very serious medical condition. I (along with his therapist) spent many hours listening and helping him through an insane amount of trauma that he'd experienced while being sexually exploited on the streets. It was a rough time. I literally spent Thanksgiving night in the psych ward with the kid, bringing him a plate of my families food. (pat myself on the back for being a good case worker).

A few days later another youth had a baby that was removed from her care about three days after she gave birth. That was a big ol shit storm. I was scrambling to find places to put both of these kids.  A treatment placement for the young boy, and a place where the girl could be with her newborn. I was fielding frantic calls left and right. I wanted to pull my hair out. My supervisor pulled me into her office at one point and said "are you ok? I'm worried you're going to come into the office one day and just quit!" yeah it was bad. This week however everything has turned around. I got a couple of kids into our new shelter program for sexually exploited youth, I found a really good treatment center for my boy and I was able to get my other girl into a residential parenting program so that she could be with her baby. What a fucking relief. You just have no idea.

I visited the girl the day after I placed her and she said to me "You know, it's actually not that bad, I was expecting it to be a lot worse!" I just wanted to cry with relief. I'm so used to kids being so unhappy it was such an amazing high to hear something good. The boy called me from treatment "do you know they'll let me smoke here!? So awesome" which I know sounds terrible but for this kid, seriously though let him have a cig, it's the LEAST of his worries at this point.

Today I had a really good conversation with this same girl. It went a little something like this. "Well I'd like to maybe have you move into that shelter. It's a great place and they work specifically with girls who've been victims of sexual exploitation." She looks at me "well to be honest, yeah I did have something bad happen to me when i was 15 but more recently, I was the one who chose to prostitute. No one really took advantage of me." I nodded " Yeah i understand you didn't say no, but didn't you tell me that one guy actually kidnapped you and made you work?" she pauses "well yeah I guess there was that one time. That was my fault though, i was too naive. He said he wasn't a pimp and I believed him. I was stupid." I say "That was not your fault. Non of this is your fault. Even if you chose to have sex with adult men and were getting all the money, it's still their responsibility as adults to NOT have sex with you. If I went up to a 17yr old boy and he agreed to have sex with me and I did, THAT would not be okay." She smiles "yeah I guess I see your point."

About an hour after having our talk, we walk past a sleazy dude. He says "hey giiiirl, what you doing?" (keep in mind she's with me and also has her brand new baby with her!) She looks back and yells to him "excuse me?! Do you know how old I am? I'm 17 years old! I'm jail bait, now get lost." I about fell over after hearing that. I patted her on the back and said "Oh man, I'm so proud of you. That was so awesome!"

It's been a long time coming but I'm starting to build relationships with these kids and it's making the job soooo much more rewarding. For once I'm not wanting to kill myself from stress. Oh it's still stressful as HELL but at least I have the sweet kids to make me feel better about it. And they are just SOOO SWEET. I just adore them all.

Healthy amount of apathy?

As usual, I'm having a hard time with work. My feelings about this job switch daily. I've really been slacking off the last week and a half or so and feeling both guilty and apathetic. I probably have more issues and families to deal with than ever before. I'm stuck in the "freeze" mode right now. I learned at a training once that we have more than two trauma responses, they aren't just fight or flight, freeze is another. I feel like that is most certainly my way of coping with difficult times, stress and anxiety lately. I rarely conjure up the "fight" mechanism but often use the "flight" mode quite a bit too. I don't even know where to begin in all my work, so I often just climb into bed and cover up with a blanket, not doing anything.

I've got so much to do at work and so many people to help but I feel a bit checked out mentally right now. I've actually felt a bit apathetic. A person can only handle so many traumatic situations without just feeling like they all sort of blur together eventually. I've stopped viewing myself as 'all saving' and have been feeling more like I'm sometimes helpful but rarely critical. I suppose that is only half true but strangely it's been bringing me a bit more comfort than feeling like I'm the only one able to help someone. I think that is the difference between who I was when I came into this field and who I am now. I don't want to be critical anymore. I don't want to be the sole person responsible for saving someone and luckily I'm not. I want to help and I want to have good relationships with the families I work with. I want to be able to offer them solutions and help them to become healthy. Lately though, I feel like I'm the one that has to do all the work and it doesn't actually seem to help. The population of girls I'm working with are just so challenging to help and I feel so bad for their families when they say "do something!" and I don't have a lot of good ideas. Unfortunately you can't lock up a kid and make their problems disappear. I have a boy on my caseload right now that is pretty sure he has HIV because he's been sleeping with multiple partners who have it. I have another youth who is transgendered and isn't able to access the appropriate mental health and drug and alcohol services because of her gender identity. My brain hurts from thinking about how I could possibly help with these issues. I just don't have the energy right now. I also got a really bitchy email from a woman who use to mentor a girl on my caseload. She accused me of being the reason that this young lady won't speak to her anymore. This woman use to drive me crazy with all of her phone calls, complaining about this girls mother and that she should not be allowed to go to her home. When she told me something concerning and I brought it up with the family, she became very upset with me. I'm sick of always having to be the bad guy. I'm sorry she won't speak to you but I'm her legal guardian and you told me something that needed to be addressed, I'm not sure how I could have avoided that.

I'm also on my period and hungover so there is that. I should should probably re-assess this when I'm thinking more clearly. I'd just like to find that place in-between totally stressing out about everything, being overly sensitive vs. being completely apathetic. I'm pretty sure that place exists but I've not yet found it.

Very Young Girls

Today was a good day. I finally got to go to a training put on by GEMS and run by Rachel Lloyd. She helped make the documentary Very Young Girls. I've talked about her documentary several times. She is the reason I got into this line of work. The documentary inspired me so much that I felt the NEED to get involved. It was kind of like seeing a movie star for me, except for that she stands for something that is extremely important. In my city, it's a new issue that we're just starting to deal with. Rachel has been advocating for this issue since about 1998. She has been instrumental in educating and changing legislation regarding CSEC issues. I felt like I wanted to ask for her autograph. Very good day indeed.